This is a guest post by a friend a mine, Marshmallow DeWitt.
For those of you who have never heard of me, allow me to introduce myself: My name is Marshmallow DeWitt, and I must say it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
I’ve been in the private investigations field for a decade and half a decade more, plying my trade in everything from unsolved murders to missing pets. The missing pet cases I could leave alone, as Ace Ventura has the market cornered; but when Ace is unavailable, people turn to me, not only for my infallibe logic but also cooking tips, which I offer as part of my package. My workload grew to epic proportions not long after I found Lady Chesterwick of Ullrod’s tabby cat in the thin branches of an oak tree. After the word of that case spread far and wide, my workload grew to epic proportions.
(note from Bob: Marshmallow’s epic proportions still ain’t as big as Big Ole Cock. Carry on, Marsh…)
In order to meet my obligations to the people that need me, I had to find myself a sidekick to handle some of the more mundane jobs that quite frankly I do not have time for. If this sounds to you something like Tomothy Ferriss’s 4-Hour Work Week, it is no accident–he stole the idea from me. After firing quite a slew of attractive young ladies (who refused to sleep with me), I made a list of five essential traits a sidekick must have to successful.
Here they are.
1) Lower intelligence than the private investigator
Under no circumstances should your sidekick ever show you up in front of a client. Clients are sneaky. They will hire your sidekick behind your back just before they fire you–for a lot less money.
Do not let this happen.
Sidekicks are allowed to save their private investigator from harm, however they should never look better than their PI when they save his life. Acceptable examples of lifesaving include slicing through ropes if the PI is tied to a chair, holding your hand while you dangle from a rooftop, or slipping the hot blonde at the end of the bar a rufi after she shot you down three times.
2) possess a minimum of physical beauty, but always be well-groomed
A well-groomed sidekick reflects well on you as an employer. But make sure he is uglier than you, that way you will have no problem giving him orders.
3) must have asthma
This way, even if you are overweight such as myself, your sidekick will never outrun you–as long as you first steel his inhaler.
4) make sure he’s white
Black sidekicks is racist.
5) make sure he has a good understanding of how to cook all of your favorite dishes
I like to eat. My sidekick should feed me.
So, those are my five essential traits for hiring a good sidekick. But, there is one more…
Must be an attractive female of loose morals.
If you know anyone like this, please have her get in touch with me. I desperately need a new sidekick.
Bob says: Speak for yourself, Marshmallow. I roll solo.